Snooze 'Em Up

Shoot 'Em Up, D+.

This is going to be a "he says, she says" version of a review with Kelly from my competing blog. Kelly, just to prepare you, has an idiotic fascination with Clive Owen. I'm not sure whether it's his weak chin or crooked nose, but whatever the case, I'm sure she'll be taking a biased view of this film.

Let's talk Clive. So Clive appears as a, surprise surprise, surly looking man in a trench coat with perpetual stubble and constantly pursed lips. Besides Owen Wilson, Clive Owen has the most annoying lips in Hollywood. They both have Owen in their name. Coincidence? I think not. Further proof: Chris Owen and Michael Owen Rosenbaum (who has tried to hide his middle name, but cannot escape my watch). That said Clive Own also can't act. Delivering tired line after tired line was.... well, tiring. I'm not sure if I can blame the script writers for the actor being completely monotone, but I'm not going to try. I blame all Owens.

This movie was supposed to be non-stop action - and it was. It dove right in and started the action and didn't let up until the very end. "Oh boy", you're thinking, "a movie that's all action, just like District B13 - possibly the best action movie ever made." I say to you "Wrong. Wronger than wrong." Boring. You can only see a guy get shot in the chest so many times from so many angles before it gets old. Remember when you were a kid, and that rich kid got a Nintendo and would invite people over to watch him play, but you didn't get to play because Charles was a little runt that deserved it when I hit him with a rock, but mom didn't believe me and I spent the rest of the evening in my room to "think about what I did", but really all I could think about was why didn't I hit him harder and why couldn't I have a Nintendo. Yeah, it's just like that. Or more like watching a video game, which worked oh so well for Doom. Okay, I lied - I really liked the FPS scene from Doom. Thought the whole movie should have been shot that way.

So that's my review of the dreadfully boring yet violent Snooze 'Em Up. You've earned your D+ with flying colors, and I'm sure Kelly will try to offset this grade with an irrationally high grade.

PS I'd have spent some time talking about the other performances in the movie, but really they were so bad, I only had time to focus on my anti-crush, Mr. Owen.