Time's Running Out!!

Ack! It's almost the end of the year, and I'm terrible at writing reviews on a regular basis. Shall I make a new year resolution of doing one a week? Didn't I resolve to do that this year? Are my pants on backwards?

No matter - I've still been seeing movies, and here's the titles and ratings, in the order that I can remember them:
Juno, A
National Treasure 2, C+
I Am Legend, A-
Bee Movie, C
Hitman, B+
The Myst, F-
30 Days of Night, A-
Wristcutters: A Love Story, A+

And I forgot to add this from the Atlanta Film Festival:
The Signal, B-

Grand total: 59. I have a few days to kick that baby past 60, and then shoot for 80 next year.

The Kingdomination

The Kingdom, A

That's right, loyal reader(s?), finally an A-grade movie. Just the pick me up to keep wading through the generic garbage that pollutes the theaters on a daily basis.

I really really wanted this movie to be bad. Between Booty Call's Jamie Fox and horse-faced Jennifer Garner, I was in the mood to be disgusted. Color me wrong (I think it's a shade of puce). What I got was a crime drama set around the terrorist turmoil of the middle east. It was fast-paced and lighthearted at times, and the cast was right for that type of dialog.

The cinematography = fantastic. It was everything Miami Vice wanted to be, but just couldn't pull off. I hope it hurt Mann watching Peter Berg pull off a good shaky-cam action flick.

With so much anti-war sentiment going on, I was surprised to see how unpolitical they decided to go with the story. It simply stated things as they were and moved forward with a very probable storyline. Contrast that with just the previews for Lions for Lambs and you'll see the kind of heavy handed scriptwriting I'm talking about. Is it wrong that I lay in bed at night sighing happily at the prospects of the writers strike?

Other interesting note: based in Saudi Arabia, but shot in the UAE. I'm sure they were thrilled to throw SA over the rack and portray them as a terrorist state. Nice.

Catch this one in the theaters - it won't transfer well to the teeny screen.

We Own the Night (but not an Oscar)

We Own the Night, D+

Note: picture uploading is not working at the moment. I'll get one up when blogger gets it's act together.

I suppose it's still early in the Oscar begging season, but if this is indicative of what we have to look forward to, I'm not excited. Granted, I'm generally not excited about pointless films with moving (...me toward the exit) performances, but I'm honestly trying this year to watch them and asses the field.

James Gray, also a tea brand, is your typical writer/director, as in he needs to pick one or the other and focus on it. For Jimmy G, I'd definitely point him in the direction of the typewriter. Although I could blame poor casting, I think the real issue is that Gray could be replaced on set with a poster that read "Act Angry" that was just waved at the actors before each scene shot. I've never seen such limited range purposely put onto film. Everybody knows how to act angry. It's what you tell actors NOT to do when they need to be "emotional."

My other issues with the movie could probably be blamed on Joaquin Baca-Asay, the DP, but if the director walks up and accepts an award for a film, he takes the fall as well. Plus Baca-Asay DP'd Thumbsuckers and Super Troopers. To the point: far too many stylized shots mixed in with a very standard shooting style. The one that really stood out was the cool looking shot of Man-jaw Mendes walking down a hallway smoking a cigarette. It was excellent in the trailer, but was completely out of place where they decided to cram it. Another pointless Hollywood moment, one of many in the film.

I'm also going to question Gray's sanity as a writer with is bizarre choice to set We Own the Night in 1988. Who sits down and writes a period piece based 20 years ago? I might have been more okay with it, but there's nothing significant about that year that would be a compelling reason for a crime/drug drama. They only indicators were typical 80s Buicks, and a few big hair women. Beyond that, it didn't matter and you didn't notice it was anything besides now. I guess that's an achievement. Nah.

Overall, a very slow, predictable story. I enjoyed the absolute bleakness of it all, but the performances were weak, and the cinematography average. Better luck next time!

I'm Wasting My Life!!

Like you really care, I'm up to a grand total of 46 movies seen in the theater this year. Minimum target was 60, but I'd really like to hit 80 and just confirm that my life is completely worthless (not in the woe-is-me way, but in the my time is cheap sort of way). Bow to my theater going prowess.

More Movie Scores!

Scoooore! Sorry, I've been busy, but this should keep you tided over until the next couple reviews are done (probably tomorrow, aka Friday).

Ta!

Resident Evil: Extinction, C+
Mr. Woodcock, D+
Dragon Wars, D+ but only because it was fun to mock.
3:10 to Yuma, B-
Good Luck Chuck, C-
War, F
Balls of Fury, B+

And here's a freebie, even though I haven't seen it yet:
Into the Wild, F-

Yes, the dreaded F minus. It's romanticizing a guy who managed to die of starvation in the summer time 20 miles from a major highway. That's not great or inspiring, that's Darwin Award worthy. Save yourself the trouble, and don't put money towards any more Sean Penn messes.

The Blunder Solomon

The Brothers Solomon, F-.

The Brothers Solomon is a concrete example of why actors (poor actors at that) shouldn't fancy themselves writers or directors. I'm conducting this review as an open letter to several of the key players in this failure.



Dear Bob Odenkirk,

I know you're a hip hipster and an accomplished actor with such great shows under your belt like Tom Goes to the Mayor, Dr. Doolittle 2, and Monkeybone. It's a shame you managed to get into 9 episodes of SNL during some of it's better years, but the only reason I bring up your acting "experience" is to comment on your supposed directing. Your last failure, Let's Go To Prison, should have been a strong hint that you're a talentless hack, but still you pressed forward into new, uncharted seas of bad. In the world of movies, we've got a flat earth, and the good ship Brothers Solomon just headed off the cliff. I hope with all my hoping strength that your talents as director, writer, producer, actor, or (HA!) songwriter are never employed again. If there's a black list, I hope you're on it. If there's a revolution, I hope you're first against the comedic wall (right next to buddy Will Forte).

Love and Kisses,

Colin



Dear Will Arnett,

I write to you with only the best intentions in mind. Please, oh please, read the script before you sign the contract. I know they're telling you something about nondisclosure or whatever - they're lying to you. Your career will continue to suffer should you ignore my advice.

Hugs and Cuddles,

Colin



Dear Will Forte,

I say "dear" only because it's a formality. I would have rather begun with "Die, Will Forte." First, a congratulation is in order. You've managed to do what no man thought was possible - write a comedy with no jokes. Considering your writing experience is from SNL in the past 5 years, it's easy to see where you think that writing random lines in the hope that someone will save it for you with a wacky gesture is "script writing." In the world of movies, you have to actually write out what's going to happen. Here's your idea of humor:

Oh ho ho ho!!!! Look it's a man with a chicken on his head!!!! That's so funny!!! It's even funnier because... wait wait wait.. HE'S GOT HIS TONGUE STUCK OUT!!!!!

Read that over and over for an hour and you've got Will Forte writing a movie. And I know it's only a comedy, but a little consistency would be appreciated. Their either idiot losers, or they're smart but socially awkward homeschoolers - not knowing how to turn down volume on an electronic is a complete violation of the premise you started with.

That said, I wish you well in your new career. After a two week total of less than $1 million, I doubt you'll be doing much more writing or acting. If there is any justice in the world, you'll be a fry master at Biggie Burger on 3rd shift.

Love and Daggers,

Colin

PS Even your opening credits were moronic.

And lastly...

Dear Stephen Farber, Adam Graham, Tom Keogh, Jim Lane ("oddly winning"? really Jim, really??), Sue Pierman, Keith Phipps, Dustin Putman, and Eric D. Snider,

You are not movie reviewers, despite what you've been told. How can you rate Brothers Solomon as fresh on RT? You disgust me. Your humanity is questionable. Your sanity, even more so. You deserve to be strapped into a seat, eyes propped open, to watch this mess for the rest of your miserable lives.

Cheers.

Colin

Snooze 'Em Up

Shoot 'Em Up, D+.

This is going to be a "he says, she says" version of a review with Kelly from my competing blog. Kelly, just to prepare you, has an idiotic fascination with Clive Owen. I'm not sure whether it's his weak chin or crooked nose, but whatever the case, I'm sure she'll be taking a biased view of this film.

Let's talk Clive. So Clive appears as a, surprise surprise, surly looking man in a trench coat with perpetual stubble and constantly pursed lips. Besides Owen Wilson, Clive Owen has the most annoying lips in Hollywood. They both have Owen in their name. Coincidence? I think not. Further proof: Chris Owen and Michael Owen Rosenbaum (who has tried to hide his middle name, but cannot escape my watch). That said Clive Own also can't act. Delivering tired line after tired line was.... well, tiring. I'm not sure if I can blame the script writers for the actor being completely monotone, but I'm not going to try. I blame all Owens.

This movie was supposed to be non-stop action - and it was. It dove right in and started the action and didn't let up until the very end. "Oh boy", you're thinking, "a movie that's all action, just like District B13 - possibly the best action movie ever made." I say to you "Wrong. Wronger than wrong." Boring. You can only see a guy get shot in the chest so many times from so many angles before it gets old. Remember when you were a kid, and that rich kid got a Nintendo and would invite people over to watch him play, but you didn't get to play because Charles was a little runt that deserved it when I hit him with a rock, but mom didn't believe me and I spent the rest of the evening in my room to "think about what I did", but really all I could think about was why didn't I hit him harder and why couldn't I have a Nintendo. Yeah, it's just like that. Or more like watching a video game, which worked oh so well for Doom. Okay, I lied - I really liked the FPS scene from Doom. Thought the whole movie should have been shot that way.

So that's my review of the dreadfully boring yet violent Snooze 'Em Up. You've earned your D+ with flying colors, and I'm sure Kelly will try to offset this grade with an irrationally high grade.

PS I'd have spent some time talking about the other performances in the movie, but really they were so bad, I only had time to focus on my anti-crush, Mr. Owen.

Some Movie Scores

Just in case you're considering going to the movies, here's a few that I've seen (and will be reviewing as I catch up on everything).

-Nancy Drew, F
-Superbad, A-
-Stardust, B+
-Rush Hour 3, D+
-Bourne Ultimatum, A-
-Simpsons, B-
-Harry Potter and the blah blah, B+
-Transformers, B+
-Ratatouille, A+
-Die Hard 4, C+
-1408, C-
-Fantastic Four: Silver Surfer Dude, B+
-Parise, Je T'Aime, A-

Questions? Email me.

The List (Don't Be One It)

I'm a man of principles. Principals. Whichever one effects my morals. Affects. Whatever.

I believe in boycotts. I have many boycotts in place, some of standing for nearly 10 years now. I've begun having problems with some of the Hollywood trends and have begun a movie-specific boycott list. Here is is:

-Adam Sandler. That's right, despite having seen Reign Over Me (HA!), I am now placing a boycott on all Adam Sandler related movies - produced, directed, written, and/or starring - I won't even view them in theater or on DVD. Why? His inflated ego and lack talent completely fill the theater where his films are screening. Although I thought it was impossible for his "humor" to devolve any further, it has. Good new though, if you're a frat boy who likes gay jokes (and spooning your brothers), Adam Sandler has tailored all of his movies just for you!

-Remakes. I'll be specific on this one. I will not PAY for a ticket to a remake. I may still see them, or rent them, but both those options will not include giving money towards the remake cause. What set this off was The Invasion, based on Invasion of the Body Snatchers - a movie that was very good to begin with, plus had a successful remake in the 70s, and a failed remake in the 90s. There's absolutely no reason to make this one again, other than to feed the arrogant attitude that led to the recent King Kong disaster - digital effects improves everything. Bottom line, no more of my money is going to this idiotic trend.

-Jimmy Fallon. The bum. I'm not even going to give an explanation, you all know.

That's all I have for now. More to come, I'm sure, as we get into the fall lineup of dreck.

Hot FuzZZZzzzz

Hot Fuzz, A+

As you can tell by the title, it was quiet a snooze fest. NOT! The guys from Shaun of the Dead deliver once again with a great action flick that combines the best parts of violence and obsurd British comedy.

I will say that this movie is not for the faint of heart. Despite it being a comedy, some of the deaths are very grisly and realistic (well, I can't really verify that last bit, but it looked like I thought it would). I'm sure Tristan Versluis never gets the props he deserves, so here they are Tristan - PROPS TO YOU! (and if Tristan happens to be a girl's name, sorry)

Plot wise, it's very obsurd. I can't say that Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright come up with stories based in reality, but it's entertaining and has its twists. I'm not going to spoil the movie, go rent it for yourself.

Great movie, good times, but I will say that Simon Pegg without Nick Frost is nothing. I learned that by watching Big Nothing. Yay, learning is painful!

FayGrimwasareallyfastpacedbutgoodmovie

Fay Grim, A+

As you may have figured out, I have trouble praising good films. There's just not much to say without ruining them. I'll do my best though. I've got about 10 A-B range movies to review, plus some terrific duds. New job means a bit more time to goof off and get these written. So here we go!

Fay Grim stars the Queen of Indie, Parker Posey. While she's fabulously talented, I just don't find her that attractive, and therefore I'm not as excited as I should be about her 16 films a year. But I digress, and I'm not sure why I even went there. Psychoanalyze me, psychos.

This is actually my first Hal Hartley film, and I was pleasantly surprised by the twisting story and fast paced dialog. I think Fay Grim is probably a little to smart for most viewers - not Syriana "smart" where it throws unrelated facts at you for a few hours and then ends with a flash of confusion, but smart in that if you're rooting around in your popcorn, you might miss what's going on. There's no repetition, it just moves.

I had the added bonus of hearing Hartley speak about his film at the Atlanta Film Festival (got a few others from the festival coming). He didn't respond at length to many questions until someone asked about dutch angles. Then he started talking. He apparently loves them, in case you didn't figure it out by watching. He also spoke about his creative process on set where he acts out the movement he'd like to see, and then has his actors do their interpretation of how he was moving, and calls it a day. I'd love to be on set for a lot of that - fast moving and efficient film making.

Go rent it. Blockbuster has it, Netflix has it.

Pirates of the Caribbean: End It Please

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, D-

Some things from your childhood you cherish. Pop Rocks, Monopoly (until your dad crafts a crooked deal and you end up with the utility companies and he's got 4 monopolies), and bad haircuts. I also used to love the "choose your own adventure" books. You know, you get to see if Joe Hardy gets hit on the head with a baseball bat or a frying pan, and if Frank finds him tied up or in a bag. It gave you power over your entertainment.
Now imagine reading one of those books where not only was someone choosing your adventure for you, but when they came to a scenario they didn't like, they'd change it - you've got Pirates 3. Joe gets hit over the head with a dead fish and Frank finds him at World's End.

I'll start with some good things. Johnny Depp's acting job was far superior in this flick than it was in the last two movies. Unfortunately the funniest parts had nothing to do with the story and were complete deviations. The costuming was very good, as usual. Kudos to Justin Geer for rocking it as a pirate (gotta give the local love). By far, the best part of the movie was the trailer for Transformers. Booya! Gonna be awesome.

That was brief, like my sense of enjoyment while being held hostage for nearly 3 hours as I was beat over the head with stupid plot, overall poor acting, and terrible CGI and sound design. "But nobody cares about sound design, Colin." Right they don't. They should. Being forgiving of an industry whose sole purpose is to create entertaining films is only harming you. You critique an independent film to death (which you should), but don't care about an industry that is supposed to be the highest level of professionalism around, but can't put enough detail into CGI to make it reasonably realistic. Flame off.

This movie was a ship without a pilot. I will be accused of hating fun, but I don't think there's a problem with having standards. My appendectomy was a better watch.

K*****d U*

Knocked Up, B-

In an effort to make CPOTP suitable for young children, I'm going to edit my review of this crude and inappropriate R-rated comedy.

I seriously don't know what made me *** this movie was some sort of **** romantic comedy. The title might have been a **** off, but I can never tell any **** (see: Monsters Inc. vs. Monsters Ball). I'm not watching trailers **** more. I'm going to be that guy that **** in as the final trailer end and the **** credits begin to ****.

This **** is about an up and coming **** reporter who has a one night stand with a **** loser. It jeopardizes her ****, but in a moral twist decides that she wants to **** the child. There's a lot of **** as the two learn about responsibility and trying to make a **** work.

The characters were so **** done. Paul Rudd's character was funny, but confusing. Even by the end of the film you don't **** where he stands on his ****. It left me a little bit ****, for lack of a better word. Seth Rogen traditionally has been a **** player in comedies like 40 Year Old Virgin, but showed a **** of depth in some of the more dramatic moments (although ****). His **** to being the father is one of the most **** reactions I've **** in a movie.

All in all, the film was pretty ****, but ****. Although I didn't like a lot of the jokes or ****, the originality, honesty, and ****of the situation. Can't **** it, especially for kidlins.


NOTE: As I finish typing this up, I sort of want to save the original post before I edit it, but I think I'd rather leave it up to your imagination.

Spider-monstrosity 3

Spider-Man 3, D-

Have you ever been to one of those 2nd grade plays where none of the kids want to be on stage, except for that one kid dressed as a tree who shakes his limbs like there's no tomorrow? It's painful to watch, and you can tell everybody involved just wants it to be over as soon as possible.

Grow everybody up into their late 20s and you've got Spider-man 3. I don't think Toby Maguire, Kirsten Dunce (please note I did not make fun of her teeth, although the transition from the 2nd grader comparison would have been perfect. I'm bigger than that.), or James Franco could have been less thrilled about starring in the newest adventure. If you strip away the mediocre CGI and leave the performances, you've got something that almost ends up spoofing itself.

Down to it. What was good? Thomas Hayden Church played an excellent Sandman. That was one of the few character designs that I thought went really well. Unintentionally poking fun at Reuters for having cheap shopped images also ranked among the good. Beyond that, there was really not much going on. Maybe my opinion would be different if I had not dragged myself out to the theater at 4:15AM on a Friday morning, but I felt for all the hype and the effort on my part, I was gypped.

Complaint department. Please take a number.
1) Venom. One of the coolest villains EVER - not really powers wise, but the look is so amazing, that you can't help but have a character that drops jaws. This is what he's supposed to look like. This is what he looked like in the movie. Big ding dang difference.
2) Plot. Nobody cares how Spider-man feels. You like that there's a little internal struggle, but in the end, you just want to see him fight baddies and win. Spider-man 2 had so much action, I could barely stand it. It had enough between MJ and Peter that you were curious about where they would go from there, but I'm guessing a lot of those scenes met the skip button when the movie was rewatched on DVD. Spidey 3 could have been 45 minutes shorter and still have been pretty solid.
3) Dancing. I don't come to a super-hero movie and expect (or want) to see dancing. Not now, not ever. I had run out of snackums by the time those scenes came around, and I was paralyzed in horror with nothing to do but stare.
4) This. It about sums up the forced emotions throughout this move. "Anakin, you're breaking my heart."

I think that's about it. If you're planning on seeing a summer blockbuster, save your money. There's plenty of them coming and Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer will most likely deliver what Spider-man 3 did not.

On a positive note, rifftrax.com will have a field day when we get the DVD later this year.

Promises, Lies, and Violence

Alrighty, I've been absolutely horrible about keeping this up to date, but really I have a lot of things to do. That said, I will be keeping up better. You can have this to look forward to: one review a day until I'm all caught up. This could take a while since I have 9 movies, plus I'm planning on seeing The Invisible, Next, Delta Farce, Shrek 3, 28 Weeks Later, and Pirates 3 by this weekend, bringing the total to 15. 15 days of reviews. Quite a treat, if you ask me.

Other things. Since this site has become so wildly popular, I'm hosting some google text ads off to the side. I'm not doing this to make money, but google has some incredibly funny ad association (I now know what it takes to get ads for "Fur Lines Jock Straps") and I'd just like to see what it comes up with. If it really bugs you, let me know (all three of you).

One last thing, http://www.google.com/ig, your iGoogle page, is a great place to keep up with news, comics, your email, etc, plus you can add a movie review feed to it by clicking on the little "feed" link at the bottom of the page. That way you don't have to check here all the time to be disappointed. You can be disappointed every time you fire up the internets.

Cheers.

Dead Stupid

Dead Silence, D+

Okay kids and horror script writers, lets get out our pencils and play a fun party game! Today we're playing Horror Film Mad Libs! Get ready, and be creative. Go!

A killer ___(object/animal)__ is on the loose. He/she (pick one) is powered by the tormented soul of __(name of a fruit)__ __(common last name + "umbly")__, who died tragically for killing a townsperson with a __(garden tool)__. Everybody in the little town of __(noun)__ville knows about the curse, but refuses to tell our lead, __(first name)__ __(species of bird)__, who is investigating and does not know fear. A creepy little kid/crazy old person (pick one) knows the truth and helps our hero. In the end, the killer is defeated by exploiting the one weakness of __(adjective)__ __(verb)__, which our main man/woman(pick one) happens to be really good at.

Pencils down. Hurray! You're now a qualified script writer. Just fill in a few stupid lines of dialog and you'll be raking in millions (about 5 for this one, if I recall). The other method seems to be making up the plot as you shoot.

This movie doesn't entirely work that well, but it's pretty close. There's a thing killing people for really no good reason, and it needs to be defeated by doing something that really is either obvious or doesn't make sense. The crazy lady helps lead him to the truth. Knowing this was a Saw-type movie, I was expecting more of a body count but only got a disappointing 5 deaths. Other sad thing was the ending. I was expecting a twist, but at least thought it be in line with something plot related that you could have figured out.

The plus is for cool locations. The little town was nicely done, as was the old theater. I'm a sucker for those looks. I wish I could say something for the unknowns like "Rising star", but really they're nobody's for a reason. Although if you wanted to crop out my quote to something like "Colin of CPOTP says blah blah is a 'Rising Star'".

Don't bother seeing this drivel, you'll scream.

Weak Hogs

Wild Hogs, D
Wild Hogs has grossed over $100M in three weeks. As a filmmaker, I'm gnashing my teeth and wailing over this news. How can canned nonsense like this continue to make money even after people have seen it and spread the word? Unless we've become a cruel nation that delights in pranking our fellow movie watchers, taste is something of the past. First Norbit, now this.

John Travolta plays a lipstick wearing, saggy coward. Tim Allen is a boring nobody. William H. Macy plays a stereotypical quiet nerd. Martin Lawrence is a black guy who isn't very impressive and not terribly funny. Uhhhh...did this movie get typecast, or what?

Hitting on a few high notes, one being the the OCC guys - kinda funny in the beginning, especially considering how silly they come across on their show. The other would be Marisa Tomei. Totally doesn't look 43 and was very cute and quirky-charming throughout the film. Really the only talent there. I guess you have to keep that SAG card somehow.

Biggest annoyance would be gay joke trends. I'm not going to go into my "Hollywood is two-faced" rant, but Hollywood is two-faced, claiming to be liberal and supportive of gays, and then using idiotic gay humor for cheap laughs. Worst of all, Brad Copeland wrote many Arrested Development episodes. I thought better of him.

Not a whole lot else to say about this move. It's not an F, but comes close.

300 Banana Hammocks

300, B+

I've been so bad about posting lately. I think it was because I had 300 followed by Wild Hogs, and spiraled into deep depression at the state of movies and the American people.

300 was one of my most anticipated movies this year. If you've talked to me, you're not going to get anything new here as far as my likes and dislikes go.

Me likey: The stylized fighting. Green and blue screen work were so well done. It looked just like the comic book and that was something rare to find. Other than Resident Evil: Apocalypse (it's okay to lump comic books and video games together as a genre, right?), I don't think a movie has done justice to its source this well. While incredibly violent, the blood and gore was for the most part 2D - an interesting concept that deserves some kudos (M&M variety, of course). Recap: good fighting.

Me no likey: The acting, the plot. I know this was a lowish budget movie, but getting some good actors, or at least a narrator who doesn't sound like he gargles hot metal shavings for breakfast. The plot was true to the comic, but other comic movies have taken liberties with the story it make it a bit more palatable for movie audiences. The real story is well known by many people, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who showed up and though "well, gee, this fake story would be made so much better by throwing in some historic truths instead of a bunch of weird monsters." Also true to the comic style, every line was EPIC. That gets annoying fast. Last, sound design. I'm not even going to go there.

All in all, it was a very manly movie, what with all the men in leather thongs and covered in sweat. I give it a straight B+, and a gay A-.

The Number 8187532800

The Number 23, D+

I was going to draw a mustache or something on the poster, but there's no more room left (yuk yuk yuk). I also learned I can't spell "mustache." It's an elephant word, give me a break!

Jim Carrey had a great performance in The Truman Show. He was entertaining even up until Fun With Dick and Jane.

Alrighty, now that I'm done saying nice things about Carrey, let me tell you what I thought about this movie. It was a good to okay movie if it had been cast with talented actors. Virginia Madsen will always be a TV actress in my mind, Logan Lerman's mom needs to fire his agent, and Jim Carrey needs to pay special attention to my post title. The acting was laughably bad. I laughed about 20 minutes in by myself, but everybody joined in by the one hour mark. In the end it was just sooo over the top bad that it almost seemed to be spoofing itself. Although a week has blotted most of this horror from my mind, I can still hear him saying "I don't deserve your love, Ag. I don't deserve anyone's love", and the "LAUGH" sign came on over the screen and the crowd went wild.

THE KID'S NAME WAS ROBIN SPARROW. Holy bad naming conventions, Batman! Sheesh that's just horrible! When you're entering your 5th hour of sitting in the movie theater, it gets to where you don't really find things like this to be all that cute and get annoyed.

Also, Owen Glieberman does huge amounts of drugs before he screens movies, and gave this a B+, and was the only person on RT to rate this movie "fresh".

Also, I'm very sorry to Diva for making her watch Half-Caste, because that was complete overkill backlash to Paris Hilton and I apologize.

You may think this post was pretty random, but if you count the number of words in this post, and divide them into the number above it equals 22068821 rounded down. And when you do the math 2+2+0+0+6+8+8-2-1 you get 23 and I didn't even plan that. It just goes to show that that whole movie was stretching for the 23 thing.

Reno 911!: Marinol

Reno 911!: Miami, C

This post is...well...about a week late. I'm going to say I was busy, but to be honest, I sat in a hotel room in Huntsville trying to flip dimes into my bellybutton for three nights in a row. It wasn't so much this movie, as it was the next one, but here we go with our review.

The sometimes-talented cast of Reno 911 take to the big screen in this funny, but disgusting movie. I think it's when you take the talented duo of Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon, and throw in the bizarre mind of Kerri Kenney you get the stuff that exists in this movie.

The movie has a slight plot, enough to push the story forward, at least. Some of the skits were pretty funny, including the remake of the old "whale blown up on the beach" video. Other things that were not so funny - Thomas Lennon's naked rear (you totally need to thank me for editing that picture a bit). I get it. He's supposed to be gay and like to wear tight clothes or none at all. A lot of the ideas that were implied in the show, were just thrown out there and beaten to death through repetitive jokes. It's like many shows that are great for half and hour, but if you sit and watch a few back to back, you want to go outside and poke yourself in the eye with a stick. Thankfully my drink didn't have a straw, or I would have improvised right there in the theater.

There were some big laughs, but too much dumb and over the top bits to make this movie more than a C.

That's two drug related jokes in a row, but it's all I could do to pun on Miami. Also, Bon Jovi's newer stuff is not the most motivating music to write reviews to.

And to that guy at my brother's work who reads my reviews, I think you should have a egg and cheese biscuit and a chocolate chip muffin for breakfast tomorrow and bring one to my brother (he's trying to lose weight.. help me sabotage him).

Google lies!

Totally like you care, but:

Your search- "monkey plump hobbit spleen"- did not match any documents.

Bridge to Talohexane

Bridge to Terabithia, C+
WARNING: This might be SPOILERish. But you don't watch dumb kids movies, so what do you care? Read on, person with who has killed their inner child and is basically living life as a zombie.

Most. Depressing. Children's film. Ever. I'm serious. It was just sad, got sadder - and then it ended! In the nearly empty theater was a couple who sobbed the entire movie, and a guy further down my row that sobbed loudly near the end. Maybe I'm super cynical, but I didn't think there was anything hopeful about how the movie ended, and I didn't cry (much). I understand the main character learned something, blah blah, but it just didn't do it for me. Enough rambling, more being critical.

The film is based on a great children's book that I haven't read. How do I know it's great? Because it won a gold medal! The movie was shot in something like 15 little episodes that really didn't tie together all that well. It really had more potential for more suspense, but the lack of linkage between events was non-existent. Acting was good and bad. Josh Hutcherson's performance reinforced his complete lack of emotional range. Acting lessons. I'm seriously this close to printing up gift certificates and sending them to actors when I see them butchering an art form. AnnaSophia Robb, on the other hand, did a fabulous job and shows good promise as long as she doesn't get ugly when the puberty stick hits her (Violet Beauregarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, if you forgot, you heartless chimp).

Zooey Deschanel gets her own paragraph because she's that awesome. I have a script called "The 8 Good Friends" that I will cast with all my favorite actresses when I get famous. It used to be called "The 7 Good Friends" but I saw Agnes Bruckner and had to rewrite it yet again. This isn't creepy, you just have problems.

All the movie did was make me want to read the book. CG was pathetic, but I wasn't expecting much from Disney. Almost makes me want to rent the 1985 PBS version of the movie to see if it's less painful, but somehow I don't think so.

By the by, I have no ticket stubs because I lost the one I had, and saw most of these movies on one trip to the theater (3 on Friday night - don't think I'll be doing that again).

Daddy's Little Stereotypes

Daddy's Little Girls, B-

I'm being generous and biased in this review. This a Tyler Perry film, who has one of the only film companies based in Atlanta, with Rainforest Films being the other.

This is Tyler Perry's first non-adapted film, which really showed. He did a great job on dialog. It was funny and well directed (the dialog, not the movie). Problem with most of his scripts are the black and white characters - they're either just so horrible, or really great people. There's no in between. He's also preaching to the choir on his social commentaries, based on the crowd at the movie theater.

Other problems - continuity. Big time. Like, untucked shirt on closeups, nice and tucked in for the far shots. Lying down for closeups, sitting up for long shots. It was pretty distracting. Tyler, you got the cash, rent another camera and get those all knocked out at once.

If the movie were didn't have the technical issues and writing style (like a play), it would have been a higher rated films, but despite that it was pretty enjoyable. Good to see buildings and roads I recognize.

Ghastly Rider

Ghost Rider, C-

The story of a flaming (hehehehe) motorcycle rider, this tale was typical of comic book movies - pass the crackers, cause we got cheese! Now in searching IMDB, I uncovered some facts about the movie that explain pretty much everything I'm going to say about it:
-Nicolas Cage had to have his Ghost Rider tattoo covered with make-up in order to play Johnny Blaze (Ghost Rider).
-Nicolas Cage wrote sections of the script.
-Nicolas Cage's hairpiece required three hours to apply every day.
I'll go ahead and explain the first one: If Nick Cage has a tattoo of it, it's not cool. If he had a tattoo of a woman somewhere on his body, I'd probably be celibate for the rest of my life (or until Cage dies). If he had a car tattoo, I'd be walking. Okay, it's not funny any more. Moving on.

This movie had issues from the beginning. It's based on a pretty cheesy concept and comics aren't really known for their amazing dialogue (see: Nick Cage wrote parts of the script), unless it's rewritten by this amazing guy. Also, the CG going into making a skeleton on fire is just massive and they really didn't put the budget into CG (see: Nick Cage's daily hairpiece sessions. And if you've seen this hair, it's nothing that couldn't have been done with gel and a quick hand-mussing job - seriously, click on the poster to see it bigger.). The movie also had the same problem as Blade 3, Italian Job, etc in that it had a weak ending. There was no suspense, and the ending only served to set up a sequel (I'll be back and we'll fight then!).

There were some good things.

Oh, you want me to discuss? Okay. Eva Mendes and Raquel Alessi were both quite cute in their roles. Eva Mendes even was a bit humorous, which I didn't expect since I'm not really a fan of her acting or face (maybe it's the man-jaw). The scene where Ghost Rider scales the building was pretty awesome. Nick Cage's abs with his shirt off were... yanno, I'd say good looking, but they weren't. His 6 pack was all different sizes and shapes, like an squished pack of hot dog buns, which is proof that old people should give up the muscular look when everything gets weird and flabby.

Nothing much else to say about this movie, except to write to your congress people and ask that a sequel be outlawed. We haven't had a new amendment in a while, and I think we can all get behind this one.

NO-Bit

Norbit, D+

Promo after promo convinced me that I wanted to see this movie. Note to the advertising execs: it worked, I hate you.

I was really hoping the funny would be brought, and I would be served, but my hopes were dashed from the beginning. Eddie Murphy's various characters were, well, varied, but not particularly funny. The funniest moments were in the beginning of the movie when Norbit is a child growing up at the orphanage, but from there it just gets repetitive and pointless. The last 20 minutes were pretty bad, worse than the rest of the movie, so I just left a bit annoyed.

The good parts: Eddie Griffin was really funny as Pope Sweet Jesus (I have nooo idea, so don't even ask), and Thandie Newton was, for lack of a better word, hot. She could probably use a few acting lessons, but if I ever go out with her, I'm going to come back and delete the internet and kill everybody who read this comment.

All in all, Norbit was a no-go.

I'm getting better at the movie title puns. They'll be epic by the end of the year

The Mess

The Messengers, F

Until tonight. Yes ladies, gents, and uncertain, another F. This one definitely deserves it. I have a new method for determining who doesn't deserve my respect, and it's people who like this movie.

I don't normally do this, but I'm going to completely spoil this movie for you. So if you're planning on going to see it, or renting in the future, turn away now, or skip down to where I restate how bad it was and end this post.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, how many of you counted the the number of exclamation points because it looked "unbalanced?" Kelly will answer "me" to this one, I think.

I'm going to list everything that was wrong:
-There was brown nasty water coming out of the faucet in one shot, then it was crystal clear a half second later, and this was not for dramatic effect or to be scary - just good old fashioned negligence.
-The acting of all the characters was about the worst I've ever heard. I would say rent it just to hear Penelope Ann Miller deliver some of the most gut wrenchingly bad lines you've ever heard. "That's enough!" could only be said so many times before it lost all effect.
-The attempt to portray the girl as "troubled" was horrible. "Your suspended license!" didn't really paint her as a demented cutter trying to lie her way back home.
-The crow connection was terrible. Watch The Birds, you numskulls.
-The attempts to be exactly like The Grudge 2 were pathetic. Unoriginal to the U. The fast-moving gray character design is overused, but if you're going for cliche horror, why not throw them in.
-The undead randomly attacking people made no sense. Have a point. Have a plot. I know they're dead and you had no budget, but it can still make sense. Get a better translator for the directors. Something!
-So dude thinks he's going to make a fortune off of a half-acre of sunflowers? That's....good planning right there. I'm no sunflower expert, but I know that amounts to about 3 jars of dry-roasted sunflower seeds, which will fetch him a handsome $9 at the grocery store. He bought an SUV's worth of sunflowers. Try people, just try.
-Worst young love interest ever. Gap toothed moron. Maybe that was on purpose, but that would give them too much credit.
-Guy gets run through with a pitchfork and stands strong for a bit. Next scene he looks like he has the flu. And the ambulance just takes its sweet time, like they're putting a few stitches in someone's chin. No biggie. Perforated stomach doesn't require much attention. Here, have an aspirin.
-For a small nothing town, there sure was a lot of traffic. In every driving shot, there were at least a half dozen cars right behind their vehicle traveling down the rural road behind them.
-My name is Earl, and I'm playing one of the leads. My character designer gets most of his/her ideas from watching prime time sitcoms.
-The little kid didn't die. Come. On. Creepy kids need to die.



!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!END SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you count them again? There were 13 to the right, and 11 to the left, but if you're the type to be counting these things, you probably don't believe me and think I would lie to you.

The good thing about this movie: it was free, it was short. And quite funny once everybody got going. I hear more laughter here than at most comedies I see in the theater.

Also, I got to use two of my favorite lines for when I'm at the movies alone. Couple sits to my left. I ask "Is this a scary movie?" to which they respond "Yes, supposed to be" (prophetic, now that I think back). I say "Oh. I throw up when I get really scared. I hope it's not too scary." The guy laughs nervously and the girl stares at me until I say "Just kidding" and stare straight ahead.

Then a guy sits to my right. I say "I clutch the leg of the person next to me when I get scared." He stared at me. I stared back. Then looked forward and hoped a scary moment would come soon.

Try it next time you're at the movies.

Epic Waste of My Time

Epic Movie, F+

Qale, I hope you're happy. I gave it a plus, which makes it better than my initial rating.

Another movie I was (strangely) looking forward to. It had a nothing cast with a nothing plot that didn't make any attempts at continuity. I know it's a spoof movie, but try. Everything has gone downhill since Scary Movie first hit the scene.

I can't say too much about this movie without totally giving it away, but the jokes were so laboriously set up that they weren't funny by the time they actually happened. Also, it was more of a Summer Blockbuster Movie than Epic. The funniest jokes were making fun of MTV - couldn't have picked an easier target there fellas.

Solid F(+!), the first of the year, hopefully that last for a while.

Steamin' Aces

Smokin' Aces, C+

Don't let that plus fool you - it only got that for putting Ben AFLAC in such a minor role.

One of my more anticipated movies of January (stop gagging! I have to look forward to SOMETHING!), this movie really let me down. I saw it with the illustrious Dano on a Friday night after everybody else bailed but him (thanks guys, I know she was cuter than me, but what about bros?). We both arrived late to a packed and soon-to-be disappointed theater.

The reason I wanted to see this film in particular was a colorful cast of characters all converging on what was looking to be like a hilarious epic battle. What I got was a fragmented storyline and a time line that had people riding in elevators for the better part of 10 minutes, which would be fine for a high rise, but this was a 12 story building. The "twist" I figured out in the first little bit of the movie.

What was good was Chris Pine. He did an excellent job of being a psychotic hit man. Also good was the action - very gritty, very violent. There was a decent amount of humor throughout.

The really bad part as the plot. Worthless. They had so much to work with and did nothing with it. The ending tried to be dark and sad and whatever they're trying for in Hollywood these days and was laughable.

This smokin' movie gets a C+, which will probably be the hot grade for the next few months.

Triple Post!

Three plump sausages sit cooking on my stove as I write three reviews on films that are less appetizing than random pork bits wrapped in a fake intestine. Yum yum!

Sorry for the delay to you three people who read my blog, plus the google crawler (hey crawler "monkey plump hobbit spleen"... I'd better get my blog as first hit when I google this in a few weeks) on reviewing movies you won't see.

Blood and Choke-a-lot

Blood and Chocolate, B+

Okay, so I couldn't come up with a clever title for my blog, but if it had really bad acting, this would work (take that, New York Times!). I also didn't take a picture of the screening pass, but I have witnesses if you dare to doubt me. In hind sight, I guess I could have taken a picture before I went. *note to self*

I had no expectations for this movie, considering it's a teen werewolf movie. I was pleasantly surprised though by not only it having a reasonable plot, but the main characters were very endearing. Agnes Bruckner did a great job being torn and sad, but still in love, and Hugh Dancy shows a lot of promise as a young actor, although his last credit was multiple Razzie nominee Basic Instinct 2. Both will have great careers ahead of them.

There was a bit of difference in the traditional werewolf stories here. It definitely had the Underworld feel with the werewolves being very close knit, powerful group. They didn't morph into weird beasts, but into wolves instead. That was a bit cheesy (blame the digital artists), but I guess it worked well as a concept.

Negatives: A bit cheesy in parts, but this is a teen movie. The soundtrack was disappointing considering how much I liked the Underworld: Evolution soundtrack and was expecting the same. From a fellow movie watcher, it does not follow the book at all. Not even close. So if you've read the book, don't go in with high hopes.

"Simple plot, complex characters" has become my new criteria for whether or not a story is enjoyable, and this fit the bill well. I don't know if I'd recommend going to the theater to see Blood and Chocolate, but be sure to rent it when it comes out in a few weeks.

Also, it's kinda cool that as I work on bigger movies that I could have the chance to work with actors that are in these type movies - not huge SAG snobs, but still good actors. Agnes Bruckner is sooo being cast in one of my movies.

Pan's ThatwordIcanneverspellright

Pan's Labyrinth, A-

Wow, the first A movie of the year, and we're still in January. Either my standards are slipping, or I'm getting desperate to not have a B movie blog.

At the risk of being spoilerish, let me say that this movie did not play out as billed. It looked like there would be a lot more fantasy and a lot less of the "real life" stuff. Although this wasn't the case, I did still enjoy the movie.

Sergi López has to be one of the greatest villians I've ever seen. Jono (who hated the movie (picky, picky)) agreed. He was so brutally evil that I loved to watch what he would do next. Obsession is a beautiful thing when played out properly.

The fantasy portions of the film were not as nice as I expected. They were very gritty and a bit scary. The melding of stories and myths bothered me just a little bit, but I think I can get over it.

I don't know too much to say without giving a lot of the movie away. The fantasy and real life were well crafted and played out right to the end perfectly. An excellent movie that deserves a watch if you can stomach the violence. Hurray A!

Oh, and it was free. Maybe that's why I liked it? You know when you steal thirty dollars from your roommate while he's busy reading your blog and go buy dinner with it - it's like that.

Stomp the Box Office

Stomp the Yard, B-

I was the only white man in a sold out theater. The experience of watching this movie was heightened so much more seeing to played for its target demographic. As good as Soul Plane was, I think I would have enjoyed it more in the theater (seriously, I'm kidding, settle down).

This movie was a pretty standard formula movie - guy starts out a little rough, learns some stuff, gets girl, etc etc. The thing I really liked about the movie is the main character doesn't have any crying in the rain epiphany, he simply becomes a better person by applying himself and deciding to change. What a concept.

The stepping was pretty cool. It wasn't too impressive until the very end, and that was shot and choreographed quite well.

I was warned ahead of time of some inaccuracies within the movie, the biggest being some of the main "college kids" being in their thirties. Who are you trying to fool? I can tell how old someone is and it just looked weird.

Stomp the Yard had a nice story, climax, resolution (and well done to Columbus Short for a good performance), but was a little dull at times, so it gets a B-.

Code Name: The Agony

Code Name: The Cleaner, D

I had no expectations going into this movie. I was too concerned about losing a bet that would result in me watching Bottoms Up. I lost that bet. World of hurt. On to the review.

EDIT: From Diva on our bet, "I was going to continue to push "Bottoms Up", but the description made it sound like it would only suck a normal amount of bad. "Pledge This" on the other hand sounds absolutely TERRIBLE." Wow. No mercy. Payback will be, in your words, TERRIBLE.

This movie was a typical okay budget stupid comedy, except it wasn't funny. Usually you have some scene that makes the wait worthwhile, some slapstick bit or great stunt, but I never saw it. The acting was okay at best, the plot was incoherent (not that we see comedies for plot, but take a little pride in your work, k?), and the technicals just unimpressive.

Locations were quite pretty. Canada is a nice alternative to the typical L.A. look, but it didn't soothe the pain much. Best part of the movie: the outtakes. I imagine this was a low stress, fun set to be on. I'm sure everybody who made the movie will laugh the whole way through because of what they remember from that day of shooting, or something Cedric did between takes, but it's not an enjoyable watch for the movie going public.

This flop was well placed for January. Get those losses out of the way in the first quarter, New Line.

Disappointment of Men

Children of Men, C-

This movie had so much potential for a great story, but didn't come through at all. Mankind can't have children, but it's never really explained too well. Some girl has a kid, don't know why. We've got to get the mother to some place, not sure why. People get killed, not sure why. There's no tension, no obstacles to overcome - basically the Italian Job of "sci-fi."

Technical problems: the action one-take follow shot is great for war scenes, but not for a conversational scene. Shooting an entire movie in this look is disorienting and annoying. Sound design was atrocious as well, with every character having a crystal clear voice, despite being outdoors or in an echo-y corridor.

Acting by Clive Owen was very mechanical and emotionless. He was a reluctant hero, but had a permanent look of "What, where am I?" on his face. The rest of the cast was poorly developed, which really made me care very little when they were taken out of the storyline.

With my griping out of the way, let me touch on the good. The locations were beautifully gritty. All of the abandoned buildings and the refugee camp footage was very well put together. There was some good humor that broke up the film a bit and made it not so tedious to watch. Some good action sequences in there as well, and a bit of brutal violence that surprised me a little.

All in all, a film with a lot of potential that fell far short. It's hardly a sci-fi film, and its attempts to be artistic made it frustrating to watch.

It begins!

So this is part of my attempt to watch more movies than ever. I'll probably end up seeing some movies I regret, but it should be fun. Keep checking, as I should be seeing around 2-4 new releases a week, reviewing them, and grading them.