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Bridge to Talohexane

Bridge to Terabithia, C+
WARNING: This might be SPOILERish. But you don't watch dumb kids movies, so what do you care? Read on, person with who has killed their inner child and is basically living life as a zombie.

Most. Depressing. Children's film. Ever. I'm serious. It was just sad, got sadder - and then it ended! In the nearly empty theater was a couple who sobbed the entire movie, and a guy further down my row that sobbed loudly near the end. Maybe I'm super cynical, but I didn't think there was anything hopeful about how the movie ended, and I didn't cry (much). I understand the main character learned something, blah blah, but it just didn't do it for me. Enough rambling, more being critical.

The film is based on a great children's book that I haven't read. How do I know it's great? Because it won a gold medal! The movie was shot in something like 15 little episodes that really didn't tie together all that well. It really had more potential for more suspense, but the lack of linkage between events was non-existent. Acting was good and bad. Josh Hutcherson's performance reinforced his complete lack of emotional range. Acting lessons. I'm seriously this close to printing up gift certificates and sending them to actors when I see them butchering an art form. AnnaSophia Robb, on the other hand, did a fabulous job and shows good promise as long as she doesn't get ugly when the puberty stick hits her (Violet Beauregarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, if you forgot, you heartless chimp).

Zooey Deschanel gets her own paragraph because she's that awesome. I have a script called "The 8 Good Friends" that I will cast with all my favorite actresses when I get famous. It used to be called "The 7 Good Friends" but I saw Agnes Bruckner and had to rewrite it yet again. This isn't creepy, you just have problems.

All the movie did was make me want to read the book. CG was pathetic, but I wasn't expecting much from Disney. Almost makes me want to rent the 1985 PBS version of the movie to see if it's less painful, but somehow I don't think so.

By the by, I have no ticket stubs because I lost the one I had, and saw most of these movies on one trip to the theater (3 on Friday night - don't think I'll be doing that again).

Daddy's Little Stereotypes

Daddy's Little Girls, B-

I'm being generous and biased in this review. This a Tyler Perry film, who has one of the only film companies based in Atlanta, with Rainforest Films being the other.

This is Tyler Perry's first non-adapted film, which really showed. He did a great job on dialog. It was funny and well directed (the dialog, not the movie). Problem with most of his scripts are the black and white characters - they're either just so horrible, or really great people. There's no in between. He's also preaching to the choir on his social commentaries, based on the crowd at the movie theater.

Other problems - continuity. Big time. Like, untucked shirt on closeups, nice and tucked in for the far shots. Lying down for closeups, sitting up for long shots. It was pretty distracting. Tyler, you got the cash, rent another camera and get those all knocked out at once.

If the movie were didn't have the technical issues and writing style (like a play), it would have been a higher rated films, but despite that it was pretty enjoyable. Good to see buildings and roads I recognize.

Ghastly Rider

Ghost Rider, C-

The story of a flaming (hehehehe) motorcycle rider, this tale was typical of comic book movies - pass the crackers, cause we got cheese! Now in searching IMDB, I uncovered some facts about the movie that explain pretty much everything I'm going to say about it:
-Nicolas Cage had to have his Ghost Rider tattoo covered with make-up in order to play Johnny Blaze (Ghost Rider).
-Nicolas Cage wrote sections of the script.
-Nicolas Cage's hairpiece required three hours to apply every day.
I'll go ahead and explain the first one: If Nick Cage has a tattoo of it, it's not cool. If he had a tattoo of a woman somewhere on his body, I'd probably be celibate for the rest of my life (or until Cage dies). If he had a car tattoo, I'd be walking. Okay, it's not funny any more. Moving on.

This movie had issues from the beginning. It's based on a pretty cheesy concept and comics aren't really known for their amazing dialogue (see: Nick Cage wrote parts of the script), unless it's rewritten by this amazing guy. Also, the CG going into making a skeleton on fire is just massive and they really didn't put the budget into CG (see: Nick Cage's daily hairpiece sessions. And if you've seen this hair, it's nothing that couldn't have been done with gel and a quick hand-mussing job - seriously, click on the poster to see it bigger.). The movie also had the same problem as Blade 3, Italian Job, etc in that it had a weak ending. There was no suspense, and the ending only served to set up a sequel (I'll be back and we'll fight then!).

There were some good things.

Oh, you want me to discuss? Okay. Eva Mendes and Raquel Alessi were both quite cute in their roles. Eva Mendes even was a bit humorous, which I didn't expect since I'm not really a fan of her acting or face (maybe it's the man-jaw). The scene where Ghost Rider scales the building was pretty awesome. Nick Cage's abs with his shirt off were... yanno, I'd say good looking, but they weren't. His 6 pack was all different sizes and shapes, like an squished pack of hot dog buns, which is proof that old people should give up the muscular look when everything gets weird and flabby.

Nothing much else to say about this movie, except to write to your congress people and ask that a sequel be outlawed. We haven't had a new amendment in a while, and I think we can all get behind this one.

NO-Bit

Norbit, D+

Promo after promo convinced me that I wanted to see this movie. Note to the advertising execs: it worked, I hate you.

I was really hoping the funny would be brought, and I would be served, but my hopes were dashed from the beginning. Eddie Murphy's various characters were, well, varied, but not particularly funny. The funniest moments were in the beginning of the movie when Norbit is a child growing up at the orphanage, but from there it just gets repetitive and pointless. The last 20 minutes were pretty bad, worse than the rest of the movie, so I just left a bit annoyed.

The good parts: Eddie Griffin was really funny as Pope Sweet Jesus (I have nooo idea, so don't even ask), and Thandie Newton was, for lack of a better word, hot. She could probably use a few acting lessons, but if I ever go out with her, I'm going to come back and delete the internet and kill everybody who read this comment.

All in all, Norbit was a no-go.

I'm getting better at the movie title puns. They'll be epic by the end of the year

The Mess

The Messengers, F

Until tonight. Yes ladies, gents, and uncertain, another F. This one definitely deserves it. I have a new method for determining who doesn't deserve my respect, and it's people who like this movie.

I don't normally do this, but I'm going to completely spoil this movie for you. So if you're planning on going to see it, or renting in the future, turn away now, or skip down to where I restate how bad it was and end this post.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, how many of you counted the the number of exclamation points because it looked "unbalanced?" Kelly will answer "me" to this one, I think.

I'm going to list everything that was wrong:
-There was brown nasty water coming out of the faucet in one shot, then it was crystal clear a half second later, and this was not for dramatic effect or to be scary - just good old fashioned negligence.
-The acting of all the characters was about the worst I've ever heard. I would say rent it just to hear Penelope Ann Miller deliver some of the most gut wrenchingly bad lines you've ever heard. "That's enough!" could only be said so many times before it lost all effect.
-The attempt to portray the girl as "troubled" was horrible. "Your suspended license!" didn't really paint her as a demented cutter trying to lie her way back home.
-The crow connection was terrible. Watch The Birds, you numskulls.
-The attempts to be exactly like The Grudge 2 were pathetic. Unoriginal to the U. The fast-moving gray character design is overused, but if you're going for cliche horror, why not throw them in.
-The undead randomly attacking people made no sense. Have a point. Have a plot. I know they're dead and you had no budget, but it can still make sense. Get a better translator for the directors. Something!
-So dude thinks he's going to make a fortune off of a half-acre of sunflowers? That's....good planning right there. I'm no sunflower expert, but I know that amounts to about 3 jars of dry-roasted sunflower seeds, which will fetch him a handsome $9 at the grocery store. He bought an SUV's worth of sunflowers. Try people, just try.
-Worst young love interest ever. Gap toothed moron. Maybe that was on purpose, but that would give them too much credit.
-Guy gets run through with a pitchfork and stands strong for a bit. Next scene he looks like he has the flu. And the ambulance just takes its sweet time, like they're putting a few stitches in someone's chin. No biggie. Perforated stomach doesn't require much attention. Here, have an aspirin.
-For a small nothing town, there sure was a lot of traffic. In every driving shot, there were at least a half dozen cars right behind their vehicle traveling down the rural road behind them.
-My name is Earl, and I'm playing one of the leads. My character designer gets most of his/her ideas from watching prime time sitcoms.
-The little kid didn't die. Come. On. Creepy kids need to die.



!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!END SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you count them again? There were 13 to the right, and 11 to the left, but if you're the type to be counting these things, you probably don't believe me and think I would lie to you.

The good thing about this movie: it was free, it was short. And quite funny once everybody got going. I hear more laughter here than at most comedies I see in the theater.

Also, I got to use two of my favorite lines for when I'm at the movies alone. Couple sits to my left. I ask "Is this a scary movie?" to which they respond "Yes, supposed to be" (prophetic, now that I think back). I say "Oh. I throw up when I get really scared. I hope it's not too scary." The guy laughs nervously and the girl stares at me until I say "Just kidding" and stare straight ahead.

Then a guy sits to my right. I say "I clutch the leg of the person next to me when I get scared." He stared at me. I stared back. Then looked forward and hoped a scary moment would come soon.

Try it next time you're at the movies.

Epic Waste of My Time

Epic Movie, F+

Qale, I hope you're happy. I gave it a plus, which makes it better than my initial rating.

Another movie I was (strangely) looking forward to. It had a nothing cast with a nothing plot that didn't make any attempts at continuity. I know it's a spoof movie, but try. Everything has gone downhill since Scary Movie first hit the scene.

I can't say too much about this movie without totally giving it away, but the jokes were so laboriously set up that they weren't funny by the time they actually happened. Also, it was more of a Summer Blockbuster Movie than Epic. The funniest jokes were making fun of MTV - couldn't have picked an easier target there fellas.

Solid F(+!), the first of the year, hopefully that last for a while.

Steamin' Aces

Smokin' Aces, C+

Don't let that plus fool you - it only got that for putting Ben AFLAC in such a minor role.

One of my more anticipated movies of January (stop gagging! I have to look forward to SOMETHING!), this movie really let me down. I saw it with the illustrious Dano on a Friday night after everybody else bailed but him (thanks guys, I know she was cuter than me, but what about bros?). We both arrived late to a packed and soon-to-be disappointed theater.

The reason I wanted to see this film in particular was a colorful cast of characters all converging on what was looking to be like a hilarious epic battle. What I got was a fragmented storyline and a time line that had people riding in elevators for the better part of 10 minutes, which would be fine for a high rise, but this was a 12 story building. The "twist" I figured out in the first little bit of the movie.

What was good was Chris Pine. He did an excellent job of being a psychotic hit man. Also good was the action - very gritty, very violent. There was a decent amount of humor throughout.

The really bad part as the plot. Worthless. They had so much to work with and did nothing with it. The ending tried to be dark and sad and whatever they're trying for in Hollywood these days and was laughable.

This smokin' movie gets a C+, which will probably be the hot grade for the next few months.

Triple Post!

Three plump sausages sit cooking on my stove as I write three reviews on films that are less appetizing than random pork bits wrapped in a fake intestine. Yum yum!

Sorry for the delay to you three people who read my blog, plus the google crawler (hey crawler "monkey plump hobbit spleen"... I'd better get my blog as first hit when I google this in a few weeks) on reviewing movies you won't see.