Ghastly Rider

Ghost Rider, C-

The story of a flaming (hehehehe) motorcycle rider, this tale was typical of comic book movies - pass the crackers, cause we got cheese! Now in searching IMDB, I uncovered some facts about the movie that explain pretty much everything I'm going to say about it:
-Nicolas Cage had to have his Ghost Rider tattoo covered with make-up in order to play Johnny Blaze (Ghost Rider).
-Nicolas Cage wrote sections of the script.
-Nicolas Cage's hairpiece required three hours to apply every day.
I'll go ahead and explain the first one: If Nick Cage has a tattoo of it, it's not cool. If he had a tattoo of a woman somewhere on his body, I'd probably be celibate for the rest of my life (or until Cage dies). If he had a car tattoo, I'd be walking. Okay, it's not funny any more. Moving on.

This movie had issues from the beginning. It's based on a pretty cheesy concept and comics aren't really known for their amazing dialogue (see: Nick Cage wrote parts of the script), unless it's rewritten by this amazing guy. Also, the CG going into making a skeleton on fire is just massive and they really didn't put the budget into CG (see: Nick Cage's daily hairpiece sessions. And if you've seen this hair, it's nothing that couldn't have been done with gel and a quick hand-mussing job - seriously, click on the poster to see it bigger.). The movie also had the same problem as Blade 3, Italian Job, etc in that it had a weak ending. There was no suspense, and the ending only served to set up a sequel (I'll be back and we'll fight then!).

There were some good things.

Oh, you want me to discuss? Okay. Eva Mendes and Raquel Alessi were both quite cute in their roles. Eva Mendes even was a bit humorous, which I didn't expect since I'm not really a fan of her acting or face (maybe it's the man-jaw). The scene where Ghost Rider scales the building was pretty awesome. Nick Cage's abs with his shirt off were... yanno, I'd say good looking, but they weren't. His 6 pack was all different sizes and shapes, like an squished pack of hot dog buns, which is proof that old people should give up the muscular look when everything gets weird and flabby.

Nothing much else to say about this movie, except to write to your congress people and ask that a sequel be outlawed. We haven't had a new amendment in a while, and I think we can all get behind this one.