The Mess

The Messengers, F

Until tonight. Yes ladies, gents, and uncertain, another F. This one definitely deserves it. I have a new method for determining who doesn't deserve my respect, and it's people who like this movie.

I don't normally do this, but I'm going to completely spoil this movie for you. So if you're planning on going to see it, or renting in the future, turn away now, or skip down to where I restate how bad it was and end this post.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, how many of you counted the the number of exclamation points because it looked "unbalanced?" Kelly will answer "me" to this one, I think.

I'm going to list everything that was wrong:
-There was brown nasty water coming out of the faucet in one shot, then it was crystal clear a half second later, and this was not for dramatic effect or to be scary - just good old fashioned negligence.
-The acting of all the characters was about the worst I've ever heard. I would say rent it just to hear Penelope Ann Miller deliver some of the most gut wrenchingly bad lines you've ever heard. "That's enough!" could only be said so many times before it lost all effect.
-The attempt to portray the girl as "troubled" was horrible. "Your suspended license!" didn't really paint her as a demented cutter trying to lie her way back home.
-The crow connection was terrible. Watch The Birds, you numskulls.
-The attempts to be exactly like The Grudge 2 were pathetic. Unoriginal to the U. The fast-moving gray character design is overused, but if you're going for cliche horror, why not throw them in.
-The undead randomly attacking people made no sense. Have a point. Have a plot. I know they're dead and you had no budget, but it can still make sense. Get a better translator for the directors. Something!
-So dude thinks he's going to make a fortune off of a half-acre of sunflowers? That's....good planning right there. I'm no sunflower expert, but I know that amounts to about 3 jars of dry-roasted sunflower seeds, which will fetch him a handsome $9 at the grocery store. He bought an SUV's worth of sunflowers. Try people, just try.
-Worst young love interest ever. Gap toothed moron. Maybe that was on purpose, but that would give them too much credit.
-Guy gets run through with a pitchfork and stands strong for a bit. Next scene he looks like he has the flu. And the ambulance just takes its sweet time, like they're putting a few stitches in someone's chin. No biggie. Perforated stomach doesn't require much attention. Here, have an aspirin.
-For a small nothing town, there sure was a lot of traffic. In every driving shot, there were at least a half dozen cars right behind their vehicle traveling down the rural road behind them.
-My name is Earl, and I'm playing one of the leads. My character designer gets most of his/her ideas from watching prime time sitcoms.
-The little kid didn't die. Come. On. Creepy kids need to die.



!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!END SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you count them again? There were 13 to the right, and 11 to the left, but if you're the type to be counting these things, you probably don't believe me and think I would lie to you.

The good thing about this movie: it was free, it was short. And quite funny once everybody got going. I hear more laughter here than at most comedies I see in the theater.

Also, I got to use two of my favorite lines for when I'm at the movies alone. Couple sits to my left. I ask "Is this a scary movie?" to which they respond "Yes, supposed to be" (prophetic, now that I think back). I say "Oh. I throw up when I get really scared. I hope it's not too scary." The guy laughs nervously and the girl stares at me until I say "Just kidding" and stare straight ahead.

Then a guy sits to my right. I say "I clutch the leg of the person next to me when I get scared." He stared at me. I stared back. Then looked forward and hoped a scary moment would come soon.

Try it next time you're at the movies.