Dead Stupid

Dead Silence, D+

Okay kids and horror script writers, lets get out our pencils and play a fun party game! Today we're playing Horror Film Mad Libs! Get ready, and be creative. Go!

A killer ___(object/animal)__ is on the loose. He/she (pick one) is powered by the tormented soul of __(name of a fruit)__ __(common last name + "umbly")__, who died tragically for killing a townsperson with a __(garden tool)__. Everybody in the little town of __(noun)__ville knows about the curse, but refuses to tell our lead, __(first name)__ __(species of bird)__, who is investigating and does not know fear. A creepy little kid/crazy old person (pick one) knows the truth and helps our hero. In the end, the killer is defeated by exploiting the one weakness of __(adjective)__ __(verb)__, which our main man/woman(pick one) happens to be really good at.

Pencils down. Hurray! You're now a qualified script writer. Just fill in a few stupid lines of dialog and you'll be raking in millions (about 5 for this one, if I recall). The other method seems to be making up the plot as you shoot.

This movie doesn't entirely work that well, but it's pretty close. There's a thing killing people for really no good reason, and it needs to be defeated by doing something that really is either obvious or doesn't make sense. The crazy lady helps lead him to the truth. Knowing this was a Saw-type movie, I was expecting more of a body count but only got a disappointing 5 deaths. Other sad thing was the ending. I was expecting a twist, but at least thought it be in line with something plot related that you could have figured out.

The plus is for cool locations. The little town was nicely done, as was the old theater. I'm a sucker for those looks. I wish I could say something for the unknowns like "Rising star", but really they're nobody's for a reason. Although if you wanted to crop out my quote to something like "Colin of CPOTP says blah blah is a 'Rising Star'".

Don't bother seeing this drivel, you'll scream.

Weak Hogs

Wild Hogs, D
Wild Hogs has grossed over $100M in three weeks. As a filmmaker, I'm gnashing my teeth and wailing over this news. How can canned nonsense like this continue to make money even after people have seen it and spread the word? Unless we've become a cruel nation that delights in pranking our fellow movie watchers, taste is something of the past. First Norbit, now this.

John Travolta plays a lipstick wearing, saggy coward. Tim Allen is a boring nobody. William H. Macy plays a stereotypical quiet nerd. Martin Lawrence is a black guy who isn't very impressive and not terribly funny. Uhhhh...did this movie get typecast, or what?

Hitting on a few high notes, one being the the OCC guys - kinda funny in the beginning, especially considering how silly they come across on their show. The other would be Marisa Tomei. Totally doesn't look 43 and was very cute and quirky-charming throughout the film. Really the only talent there. I guess you have to keep that SAG card somehow.

Biggest annoyance would be gay joke trends. I'm not going to go into my "Hollywood is two-faced" rant, but Hollywood is two-faced, claiming to be liberal and supportive of gays, and then using idiotic gay humor for cheap laughs. Worst of all, Brad Copeland wrote many Arrested Development episodes. I thought better of him.

Not a whole lot else to say about this move. It's not an F, but comes close.

300 Banana Hammocks

300, B+

I've been so bad about posting lately. I think it was because I had 300 followed by Wild Hogs, and spiraled into deep depression at the state of movies and the American people.

300 was one of my most anticipated movies this year. If you've talked to me, you're not going to get anything new here as far as my likes and dislikes go.

Me likey: The stylized fighting. Green and blue screen work were so well done. It looked just like the comic book and that was something rare to find. Other than Resident Evil: Apocalypse (it's okay to lump comic books and video games together as a genre, right?), I don't think a movie has done justice to its source this well. While incredibly violent, the blood and gore was for the most part 2D - an interesting concept that deserves some kudos (M&M variety, of course). Recap: good fighting.

Me no likey: The acting, the plot. I know this was a lowish budget movie, but getting some good actors, or at least a narrator who doesn't sound like he gargles hot metal shavings for breakfast. The plot was true to the comic, but other comic movies have taken liberties with the story it make it a bit more palatable for movie audiences. The real story is well known by many people, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who showed up and though "well, gee, this fake story would be made so much better by throwing in some historic truths instead of a bunch of weird monsters." Also true to the comic style, every line was EPIC. That gets annoying fast. Last, sound design. I'm not even going to go there.

All in all, it was a very manly movie, what with all the men in leather thongs and covered in sweat. I give it a straight B+, and a gay A-.

The Number 8187532800

The Number 23, D+

I was going to draw a mustache or something on the poster, but there's no more room left (yuk yuk yuk). I also learned I can't spell "mustache." It's an elephant word, give me a break!

Jim Carrey had a great performance in The Truman Show. He was entertaining even up until Fun With Dick and Jane.

Alrighty, now that I'm done saying nice things about Carrey, let me tell you what I thought about this movie. It was a good to okay movie if it had been cast with talented actors. Virginia Madsen will always be a TV actress in my mind, Logan Lerman's mom needs to fire his agent, and Jim Carrey needs to pay special attention to my post title. The acting was laughably bad. I laughed about 20 minutes in by myself, but everybody joined in by the one hour mark. In the end it was just sooo over the top bad that it almost seemed to be spoofing itself. Although a week has blotted most of this horror from my mind, I can still hear him saying "I don't deserve your love, Ag. I don't deserve anyone's love", and the "LAUGH" sign came on over the screen and the crowd went wild.

THE KID'S NAME WAS ROBIN SPARROW. Holy bad naming conventions, Batman! Sheesh that's just horrible! When you're entering your 5th hour of sitting in the movie theater, it gets to where you don't really find things like this to be all that cute and get annoyed.

Also, Owen Glieberman does huge amounts of drugs before he screens movies, and gave this a B+, and was the only person on RT to rate this movie "fresh".

Also, I'm very sorry to Diva for making her watch Half-Caste, because that was complete overkill backlash to Paris Hilton and I apologize.

You may think this post was pretty random, but if you count the number of words in this post, and divide them into the number above it equals 22068821 rounded down. And when you do the math 2+2+0+0+6+8+8-2-1 you get 23 and I didn't even plan that. It just goes to show that that whole movie was stretching for the 23 thing.

Reno 911!: Marinol

Reno 911!: Miami, C

This post is...well...about a week late. I'm going to say I was busy, but to be honest, I sat in a hotel room in Huntsville trying to flip dimes into my bellybutton for three nights in a row. It wasn't so much this movie, as it was the next one, but here we go with our review.

The sometimes-talented cast of Reno 911 take to the big screen in this funny, but disgusting movie. I think it's when you take the talented duo of Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon, and throw in the bizarre mind of Kerri Kenney you get the stuff that exists in this movie.

The movie has a slight plot, enough to push the story forward, at least. Some of the skits were pretty funny, including the remake of the old "whale blown up on the beach" video. Other things that were not so funny - Thomas Lennon's naked rear (you totally need to thank me for editing that picture a bit). I get it. He's supposed to be gay and like to wear tight clothes or none at all. A lot of the ideas that were implied in the show, were just thrown out there and beaten to death through repetitive jokes. It's like many shows that are great for half and hour, but if you sit and watch a few back to back, you want to go outside and poke yourself in the eye with a stick. Thankfully my drink didn't have a straw, or I would have improvised right there in the theater.

There were some big laughs, but too much dumb and over the top bits to make this movie more than a C.

That's two drug related jokes in a row, but it's all I could do to pun on Miami. Also, Bon Jovi's newer stuff is not the most motivating music to write reviews to.

And to that guy at my brother's work who reads my reviews, I think you should have a egg and cheese biscuit and a chocolate chip muffin for breakfast tomorrow and bring one to my brother (he's trying to lose weight.. help me sabotage him).