Spider-monstrosity 3

Spider-Man 3, D-

Have you ever been to one of those 2nd grade plays where none of the kids want to be on stage, except for that one kid dressed as a tree who shakes his limbs like there's no tomorrow? It's painful to watch, and you can tell everybody involved just wants it to be over as soon as possible.

Grow everybody up into their late 20s and you've got Spider-man 3. I don't think Toby Maguire, Kirsten Dunce (please note I did not make fun of her teeth, although the transition from the 2nd grader comparison would have been perfect. I'm bigger than that.), or James Franco could have been less thrilled about starring in the newest adventure. If you strip away the mediocre CGI and leave the performances, you've got something that almost ends up spoofing itself.

Down to it. What was good? Thomas Hayden Church played an excellent Sandman. That was one of the few character designs that I thought went really well. Unintentionally poking fun at Reuters for having cheap shopped images also ranked among the good. Beyond that, there was really not much going on. Maybe my opinion would be different if I had not dragged myself out to the theater at 4:15AM on a Friday morning, but I felt for all the hype and the effort on my part, I was gypped.

Complaint department. Please take a number.
1) Venom. One of the coolest villains EVER - not really powers wise, but the look is so amazing, that you can't help but have a character that drops jaws. This is what he's supposed to look like. This is what he looked like in the movie. Big ding dang difference.
2) Plot. Nobody cares how Spider-man feels. You like that there's a little internal struggle, but in the end, you just want to see him fight baddies and win. Spider-man 2 had so much action, I could barely stand it. It had enough between MJ and Peter that you were curious about where they would go from there, but I'm guessing a lot of those scenes met the skip button when the movie was rewatched on DVD. Spidey 3 could have been 45 minutes shorter and still have been pretty solid.
3) Dancing. I don't come to a super-hero movie and expect (or want) to see dancing. Not now, not ever. I had run out of snackums by the time those scenes came around, and I was paralyzed in horror with nothing to do but stare.
4) This. It about sums up the forced emotions throughout this move. "Anakin, you're breaking my heart."

I think that's about it. If you're planning on seeing a summer blockbuster, save your money. There's plenty of them coming and Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer will most likely deliver what Spider-man 3 did not.

On a positive note, rifftrax.com will have a field day when we get the DVD later this year.