I'm Wasting My Life!!

Like you really care, I'm up to a grand total of 46 movies seen in the theater this year. Minimum target was 60, but I'd really like to hit 80 and just confirm that my life is completely worthless (not in the woe-is-me way, but in the my time is cheap sort of way). Bow to my theater going prowess.

More Movie Scores!

Scoooore! Sorry, I've been busy, but this should keep you tided over until the next couple reviews are done (probably tomorrow, aka Friday).

Ta!

Resident Evil: Extinction, C+
Mr. Woodcock, D+
Dragon Wars, D+ but only because it was fun to mock.
3:10 to Yuma, B-
Good Luck Chuck, C-
War, F
Balls of Fury, B+

And here's a freebie, even though I haven't seen it yet:
Into the Wild, F-

Yes, the dreaded F minus. It's romanticizing a guy who managed to die of starvation in the summer time 20 miles from a major highway. That's not great or inspiring, that's Darwin Award worthy. Save yourself the trouble, and don't put money towards any more Sean Penn messes.

The Blunder Solomon

The Brothers Solomon, F-.

The Brothers Solomon is a concrete example of why actors (poor actors at that) shouldn't fancy themselves writers or directors. I'm conducting this review as an open letter to several of the key players in this failure.



Dear Bob Odenkirk,

I know you're a hip hipster and an accomplished actor with such great shows under your belt like Tom Goes to the Mayor, Dr. Doolittle 2, and Monkeybone. It's a shame you managed to get into 9 episodes of SNL during some of it's better years, but the only reason I bring up your acting "experience" is to comment on your supposed directing. Your last failure, Let's Go To Prison, should have been a strong hint that you're a talentless hack, but still you pressed forward into new, uncharted seas of bad. In the world of movies, we've got a flat earth, and the good ship Brothers Solomon just headed off the cliff. I hope with all my hoping strength that your talents as director, writer, producer, actor, or (HA!) songwriter are never employed again. If there's a black list, I hope you're on it. If there's a revolution, I hope you're first against the comedic wall (right next to buddy Will Forte).

Love and Kisses,

Colin



Dear Will Arnett,

I write to you with only the best intentions in mind. Please, oh please, read the script before you sign the contract. I know they're telling you something about nondisclosure or whatever - they're lying to you. Your career will continue to suffer should you ignore my advice.

Hugs and Cuddles,

Colin



Dear Will Forte,

I say "dear" only because it's a formality. I would have rather begun with "Die, Will Forte." First, a congratulation is in order. You've managed to do what no man thought was possible - write a comedy with no jokes. Considering your writing experience is from SNL in the past 5 years, it's easy to see where you think that writing random lines in the hope that someone will save it for you with a wacky gesture is "script writing." In the world of movies, you have to actually write out what's going to happen. Here's your idea of humor:

Oh ho ho ho!!!! Look it's a man with a chicken on his head!!!! That's so funny!!! It's even funnier because... wait wait wait.. HE'S GOT HIS TONGUE STUCK OUT!!!!!

Read that over and over for an hour and you've got Will Forte writing a movie. And I know it's only a comedy, but a little consistency would be appreciated. Their either idiot losers, or they're smart but socially awkward homeschoolers - not knowing how to turn down volume on an electronic is a complete violation of the premise you started with.

That said, I wish you well in your new career. After a two week total of less than $1 million, I doubt you'll be doing much more writing or acting. If there is any justice in the world, you'll be a fry master at Biggie Burger on 3rd shift.

Love and Daggers,

Colin

PS Even your opening credits were moronic.

And lastly...

Dear Stephen Farber, Adam Graham, Tom Keogh, Jim Lane ("oddly winning"? really Jim, really??), Sue Pierman, Keith Phipps, Dustin Putman, and Eric D. Snider,

You are not movie reviewers, despite what you've been told. How can you rate Brothers Solomon as fresh on RT? You disgust me. Your humanity is questionable. Your sanity, even more so. You deserve to be strapped into a seat, eyes propped open, to watch this mess for the rest of your miserable lives.

Cheers.

Colin

Snooze 'Em Up

Shoot 'Em Up, D+.

This is going to be a "he says, she says" version of a review with Kelly from my competing blog. Kelly, just to prepare you, has an idiotic fascination with Clive Owen. I'm not sure whether it's his weak chin or crooked nose, but whatever the case, I'm sure she'll be taking a biased view of this film.

Let's talk Clive. So Clive appears as a, surprise surprise, surly looking man in a trench coat with perpetual stubble and constantly pursed lips. Besides Owen Wilson, Clive Owen has the most annoying lips in Hollywood. They both have Owen in their name. Coincidence? I think not. Further proof: Chris Owen and Michael Owen Rosenbaum (who has tried to hide his middle name, but cannot escape my watch). That said Clive Own also can't act. Delivering tired line after tired line was.... well, tiring. I'm not sure if I can blame the script writers for the actor being completely monotone, but I'm not going to try. I blame all Owens.

This movie was supposed to be non-stop action - and it was. It dove right in and started the action and didn't let up until the very end. "Oh boy", you're thinking, "a movie that's all action, just like District B13 - possibly the best action movie ever made." I say to you "Wrong. Wronger than wrong." Boring. You can only see a guy get shot in the chest so many times from so many angles before it gets old. Remember when you were a kid, and that rich kid got a Nintendo and would invite people over to watch him play, but you didn't get to play because Charles was a little runt that deserved it when I hit him with a rock, but mom didn't believe me and I spent the rest of the evening in my room to "think about what I did", but really all I could think about was why didn't I hit him harder and why couldn't I have a Nintendo. Yeah, it's just like that. Or more like watching a video game, which worked oh so well for Doom. Okay, I lied - I really liked the FPS scene from Doom. Thought the whole movie should have been shot that way.

So that's my review of the dreadfully boring yet violent Snooze 'Em Up. You've earned your D+ with flying colors, and I'm sure Kelly will try to offset this grade with an irrationally high grade.

PS I'd have spent some time talking about the other performances in the movie, but really they were so bad, I only had time to focus on my anti-crush, Mr. Owen.