Mega Movie Roundup

Okay, I've been sitting on these for a while. Should be in somewhat chronological order, but don't hold me to anything.

Hellboy II , C+ The somewhat-awaited sequel to 2004's Hellboyfinally dropped in '08. It wasn't quite as fun as the first one, but still entertained. The Tooth Fairies were particularly disturbing. I always like Guillermo del Toro's visual style, but not always his directing. Fun flick, watch it when the DVD arrives.

The Dark Knight, B- I know I'll get grief for this, but it wasn't all it was hyped to be. Heath Ledger was good as the Joker, but I don't think it would warrant an Oscar nomination. This time around Gotham City is a nice Chicago-esque city, far from the gritty Gotham of Batman Begins. It made a vigilante in a bat suitseem far more stupid/insane given the setting. Speaking of stupid/insane - the Joker's ridiculously elaborate plots really didn't do much for the storyline either. I'm not saying I hated the film, I just want to make sure I point out that this is not the best movie of all time, or even the best Batman of the series.

Transsiberian, C- I'm always up for a good limited release film, especially when it involves Russia. Mmm, do I love the strangeness that is Russia. Transsiberian was a beautifully shot film, great locations, but really fell short in every other way. It wasn't the worst thing ever, but it felt about 3 times longer than it actually was.

X-Files: I Want to Believe, D X-Files was a great show. Even the last horrible season had some cool elements. I'm not sure what happened between that last show and this movie. Obviously the ability to write a good, scary story was lost. I know we've been waiting and waiting (SPOILERS!) for them to get together, but c'mon. Weak. Painful. Do another, and get this franchise back on track.

Pineapple Express, A- I was a little nervous going into this movie since I thought it had one of the best trailers I've seen in years. It did not disappoint. Very very funny, very very violent. One of the best brawl scenes in a movie since The Quiet Man. Probably not for everybody, but one of the best stoner/action movies I've seen.

Death Race, B I could probably copy&paste this review down to Transporter 3 - lots of shirtless Jason Statham, lots of ridiculous action, but a load of fun. I can't get enough of these types of senseless action movies.

Babylon A.D., D+ I like Vin Diesel. I'll pretty much see anything he's in. I even liked the trailer for this movie. That's about it. Painfully boring, very little action, and one of the dumbest endings of a movie I have ever seen ("oh no, they destroyed our two Range Rovers! you win, VD!")

Bangkok Dangerous, D Ah Nick Cage - your emotionless acting and befuddled looks lure me in every time. You've even grown out those luxurious curls! I can't even remember what this movie was about. I do remember being surprised that the "Drink when he says 'uh'" game did not go that well. Why do I fall for his charms every time?

Burn After Reading, A Just like I did not understand the hype for Dark Knight, I did not understand the dislike for Burn After Reading. As far as madcap and unexpectedly violent movies go, I can't think of a better film. I'm not sure what people expect from the Coens. They make good movies, but they range from drama to comedy and every place in between. Can't please everyone, but this movie pleased me.

Miracle at St. Anna, C The trailers were very shrouded in mystery and really spurred me on to get to the theaters for the opening weekend. Bad acting, a non-punchline, and a really silly ending just ruined what could have been a great film. Oh well.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Play List, B+ Finally an indie film that doesn't pretend it's not luring in its fanbase with a catchy indie soundtrack. Call it what it is. A little less cute and a little more adult made this a much more enjoyable film than I thought it would be.

XXY, C+ I missed this one at the AFF this year, but got it in theaters a few months later. Soooo sloooow. One redeeming scene, which you'll instantly recognize if you bother renting. Don't bother.

City of Ember, D+ I love alternate world movies. Experiencing a new world is one of the best things about going to the theater and sitting in the dark for 2 hours. However, this is Walden, and no matter how good the story, it's going to be bad. I never learn.

Max Payne, D He must find the supernatural killer! Not only was the trailer misleading and deviated from the game, it didn't even accurately reflect what was going on in the movie. Max Payne was supposed to be about straight up psycho violence, not brooding and reflecting. What a waste of a good game movie. Hopefully they can Hulk this one and make a good sequel.

Quantum of Solace, C+ The last Bond had some of the best action sequences imaginable. Well done! Bravo! The new bond shot some random footage, spliced it all together, and had the gall to send it out the doors as a movie. I get shaky/quick-cut action, but this was way too much. I had no idea what was going. The entire plot was pretty weak as well.... OOooo! Big bad guy is getting water contracts in third world countries! That's so crazy! I'm not even going to comment on how the trailer lied about the cool 60s looking style it should have been shot in.

Twilight, C- Vampires are already a bit brooding and moody, but when you drop that into a perpetual 17 year old, it crosses into territory I'd rather not see. Those books had better be amazing, because I don't see the appeal of this movie. Aparently Kristin Stewart is as unbearable in real life as she is in the movie. Way to reach for the starts with that indie stripper role, Kristin!
Transporter 3, B The last Transporter wasn't that great, and very little can match the first one, but this was pretty good. Statham shirtless half the time, etc. Kicking, punching, etc. Completely implausible car sequences. Good times.

That brings me up to date on the year's movies! I still want to see Punisher (despite the numerous bad reviews), Milk, Boy in the Striped Pajamas, and The Day the Earth Stood Still (blank stare for me, Keanu!). That should bring me up to about 40 movies for the year.. about half of what I had hoped for. I just can't handle the bad movies like I used to. Allie should help with getting to that elusive goal next year!

Let's Grade Movies!

Time for another movie roundup! This is shaping up to be a fabulous summer, with plenty of hits, but some disappointments as well.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - B. I was not disappointed. Shai the Beef was not as annoying as I had predicted, but still was.... himself. The ending was a bit of a letdown, as I expected something more spectacular, what with all the unprecedented use of CGI this time around. If I were you, faithful reader, I would wait for the DVD on this one.

The Incredible Hulk - B-. Finally, what a superhero movie should be - little bit of plot, LOTS of action. There was a bit of un-hulk action that broke up the flow, but for the most part, it was all Hulk. I'd rather have seen Hulk get a bigger as he got angrier, but the pants bits were amusing, so I forgive them. Also, according to Allie and I agree, Liv Tyler looks like a duck.

The Love Guru - F-. We walked out about 20 minutes in. That's how much of the middle school humor we could stand. What made it worse - people were laughing. I told the manager I wanted my money back, he looked at the ticket stub, and didn't seem suprised at all. Thanks Regal!

Wanted - D+. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I'm angry right now, thanks. Wasted idea with an idiotically simplistic plot. Some have said it was very bloody. Eh, there's only so much blood you can get out of CG. Absolutely anticlimatic and required quite a bit more suspension of belief than it deserved. It was okay, but don't waste your hard earned money.

Wall-E - A+(+++++). Well done Pixar! Charming film start to finish, beautiful establishing shots - you absolutely got each environment. Wall-E and Eve has to be one of the cutest couples to ever grace the big screen. If you have not seen this movie, you must. If you don't, you have no soul, are a demon, and to that I say adversus solem ne loquitor.
Upcoming movies include..... uh.... Batman? Summer is running out of steam, and it's only just July.

Summer Blockbuster Roundup

Summer is here and, along with sunburns and mosquitoes, we get one of my favorite portions of the year - the summer blockbuster season! Beats the heck out of the Oscar hopeful season, and Christmas season movies are always disappointing. Speaking of disappointing, here be reviews of the ones I've seen so far!

Iron Man - B+. RDJ did an excellent job as Tony Stark, really playing up that charisma. Good storyline without a lot of emotional nonsense. Other than that, the film had its fair share of problems including the final big fight scene being shot in the dark. Seriously, I came to see an action film - that means I want action and I want it visible. I also thought their defense industry stuff was a bit silly too, but it is the movies after all.
Stark Industries Logo:

Lockheed's Logo:

I'm sure Lockheed is just thrilled with Iron Man.

Speed Racer - A-. What a beautiful film! It was exactly how anime translated to live action should look - shiny, strange, and unapologetic about being unrealistic. Christina Ricci was perfect as Trixie, since she sort of looks like a cartoon anyway. I simply don't understand the lack of box office and poor reviews. You get films like Transformers that struggled to find a plot, but was chock full of amazing CGI - that did well. But then you get something like this movie that is creative and fresh, filled with some of the most impressive digital work I've seen in a movie to date, and people complain about it being so CGI. Can't please anybody. Here's hoping DVD sales are big enough to justify a sequel.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - B-. Yet another Apatow comedy, but thankfully this one was written by and starring Jason Segel. The plot was pretty weak - a slight bump of conflict and then resolution, but really who sees comedies for plot anyway? Each scene was a pretty good bit by itself and Russell Brand absolutely stole the show with his bizarre brit rock star persona. There's absolutely no reason to see this movie in the theaters, but I'd grab the DVD if you liked Superbad, etc.

Prince Caspian - C-. Oh Walden, it took you until the 2nd Narnia film to completely mess things up, but here we are. SPOILERS COMING!! They changed so much that made the story flow in the book - when the horn was blown, who led the attack on the castle, etc. It was so poorly paced, just rambling nonstop for the entire film until it was done and you wondered what you just watched. I had zero expectations, thankfully, so I'm glad I wasn't let down.

Movie Madness!

Summer blockbuster season is upon us, and I have a backlog of films that I need to get reviewed/graded and out the door. So here we go!

Cloverfield - B. First person filmmaking is not new, but it had not been done mainstream like this. A bit overhyped. I decided to get the full effect, me and Shane would watch it from the front row. Phill had to move back further since he gets the motion sickness. The story was good, and has the infinite sequals potential (one event, follow any number of people going through the same event). Recommend a rental, since it's not in theaters any more.

The Bank Job - C+. What a fabulously depressing movie. Real life events are rarely turn out as well as Hollywood conceptions, and this was no different. If you were expecting Jason Statham to have some great fight scenes, wrong movie.

Jumper - D+. I have a feeling this was originally a 140 page script. Producers ripped it in half, and said "There, now we have a sequal already written." Tired idea that was not played out very well. Hollywood seems to think that if you cast Jackson as a villian it is immediately a good movie, but even SLJ couldn't save this mess. Look for Jumper 2 in theaters soon, I'm sure.

Doomsday - B+. Not the greatest movie ever, but it was fun, fast-paced, and did not appologize for anything. You want a car chase? Well hey, the roads are perfect and you just found a Bentley! Great watch, fabulously cheesy. You must rent.

Step Up 2 The Streets - C+. Anybody who saw this did so for one reason - cool dancing. It was a pretty generic story, enjoyable, and the dancing was really worth the wait. Rent, skip to the end, and there you go.

10,000 BC - D+. Why, oh why. Roland Emmerich is not anybody I'd describe as a great director, but his movies are usually pretty fun. 10kbc - not fun at all. Ugh.

Be Kind, Rewind - C-. Creatively shot and I love the message of community filmmaking. Beyond that, I'm just sick of Jack Black and really didn't enjoy the film too much.

Semi-Pro - D+. Oh hey, if we swear a lot nobody will notice we didn't write any jokes. What, it didn't work?? #$%@!!!!

The Forbidden Kingdom - B-. Jet Li and Jackie Chan together at last! Thankfully we got one good fight scene out of them before continuing on through a relatively uncreative storyline. Still was pretty fun (and clean - hey-o!), so I'd catch it on DVD.

That's all I got for now. I've so far only seen 14 movies this year, and am far off my pace of breaking 80. Iron Man is tonight, Speed Racer after that, then more Narnia, then Indiana Jones, and and and!

AFF Is Done!

AFF was this past week (and a half), and it's finally over. I'm both happy and sad by that. Happy because free beer every day followed by all of us buying each other drinks was a bit much. Also happy because I volunteered for projection and got no sleep for a week.

Sad because I really do love the the environment. It's a time when I can see all of my favorite film people all at once instead of on a project twice a year. I'm not sure how other film festivals are, but AFF is small and pretty intimate. I can imagine some of the bigger ones can be completely overwhelming. I'd rather be at one of those as a filmmaker so I can have something to talk about, instead of "oh, I'm just here."

Film rundown - I saw all of three films at the festival, but they were all pretty good. It was an eclectic mix, but not a lot really appealed to me. There was a big gaping hole where the Horror Short program should have been. Bah! The three I saw were:

• Skills Like This - an awesome comedy out of Colorado. I really would like to see this go a long way because it's smartly written, has some incredible scenes, and is funny (oh hey, a funny comedy... how often do we see that these days?). My favorite film of the festival, just eeking out Son of Rambow.
• Son of Rambow - wow, Garth Jennings is rapidly becoming one of my favorite directors with Hitchhiker's Guide, this gem, and his fabulous Q&A after. Really a classy guy, and a lot of fun. This film is actually heading to theaters pretty soon, so please go out and check it out. I can't really see anybody not liking this film.
• Dance of the Dead - the film that Rome built. Or that took over Rome. I'm not really sure. Without going too much into detail, I was disappointed at a number of things including not being consistent with its own world rules (yeah, some stuff is funny or advanced the story, but at the expense of the integrity of the story) and inconsistency in shooting style - it's like they had 4 different DPs over the course of the project. I will say that this was great success as a community film - people loved it and it involved a lot of local folks. It's nice to see a film that leaves everybody happy instead of sour for the experience.

Some other films to keep an eye on are: Young At Heart, XXY, and Mongol. All should be on DVD at the very least (I think Mongol is going to theaters sometime this summer).
And that's all he wrote! Fun festival, and I look forward to it next year, hopefully with a film in competition.

Rambo: Total Annihilation

Rambo, B-

Rambo has been the gold standard for insane violence for a while now. It's like the Soldier of Fortune of the movie world (for reference, the new SOF was refused classification in America and banned in Australia). The new (John) Rambo does not disappoint and through some sort of MPAA voodoo it only got an R rating.

IMDB keywords for this film include: massacre, arm ripped off, disturbing, intestines, and responsibility. That last one was put in by some concerned parent, I'm sure.

The movie opens with the brutal destruction of a village by the Burmese Army that both sets the tone of the movie, and builds towards the ultimate thrill of their destruction. I can't say I've felt less pity for someone being blown away by a 50mm sniper rifle than in this movie.

Rambo has slipped into a funk, catching snakes and standing in the rain stoically. The presence of amateures (paid mercenaries) is just the thing to kick him in to high gear and start the river of blood flowing.

I won't give it all away (people die.. there, just ruined the movie), but the buildup and conclusion of Rambo setting off an old WWII bomb is about the best movie action I've ever seen. I didn't know old Stallone could move like that any more.

While not an Oscar winner, Rambo delivers plenty of blood and action while making previous attempts at brutality, like Saving Private Ryan, look like a children's birthday party.

One Missed Plotline

One Missed Call, D-

I ended the year with AVPR (review here), and started the movie with this fabulous piece of work. Let's begin with 2008, shall we?

The victims in this comedy horror flick receive a phone call that tells when they will be killed, what color shoes they'll be wearing, the brand of their hair gel, who they last kissed, when their last bowel movement was, their grandmother's maiden name, their grandmother's social security number, the name of their favorite indie band, who killed Kennedy, and other startling facts. Once they've been marked, they see strange things like babies on fire, bugs crawling through people's skin, dolls wielding knives, men with pennies jammed up their noses, feet covered in bird feathers, dogs walking backwards, and other unsettling and fairly cliche horror shticks. When the victims finally die in gruesome but accidental ways, a hard candy is found in their mouth, a tattoo telling you where you left your bank card behind their ear..... okay, I'm getting a little bored with this. But honestly, it was just cram-packed with the dumbest, most unrelated visuals I've seen in any movie. The plot resolution isn't much more coherent either. I should have figured this is what I get for an early January release that sneak previews at 10PM on the evening before it opens, and your big name is Margaret Cho.

I'm disappointed in this movie for a variety of reasons. Here's the rundown:

• Atlanta shot movie. I'd love to see good movies come out of Atlanta, but when this is what you associate with the film scene here, it's not much help. I will say the hospital set was absolutely beautiful. I didn't recognize it, but it has to be an abandonment in Atlanta.


• The trailer was actually pretty good. I usually don't care for horror trailers, but this one was appealing in some way. That's rare for me.


• It starred one of my new favorite actors, Shannyn Sossamon. She also starred in what was my favorite film of 2007 Wristcutters: A Love Story. She did as much as she could with it, so props Shannyn.

Oh, and for once I'd like to see college students living in a dumpy apartment with 9 other people, and not in lavish mansions by themselves. Who are these people? I'd kill them too.

One Missed Call is one painful ride. Save your time (thankfully my experience was free), and go see a Christmas film. Drag the season out.

Glorious Number 60 - AVP: Worst Yet

Aliens vs Predator - Requiem, F

This was the grand number 60 of the year, rung in at 1AM on Friday the 28th. I could not have ended on a more disappointing note, but it pretty much sums up the experience for the year. There were a few ups, but in general the year in movies was wandering through the dark valley of WGA written nonsense. Go ahead and strike - I'll take my chances with 1,000,000 monkeys on word processors.

Warning: Spoilers ahead. Right, like you'll ever even rent this.

Having seen the first movie in this set, I knew roughly what to expect, but had hopes for so much more. Previously on AVP, a teenage Predator gets in over his head at the Alien arcade and mommy and daddy have to come rescue him. And there's people somewhere. I wish that were a joke, but it's the plot, I swear. Basically the only way you could lose a bet is if you put all your eggs in the baskets of the Aliens (ha, sucker).

The latest installment in this should be amazing series, was AVPR - which stands for Not Another AVP Failure (more or less). There are no major stars, not even a failed stand up comedian or a former Disney Channel star. I didn't read the title right, and failed to notice it said "Predator"... not plural. The trailers led me to believe there were hordes of Aliens and an army of Predators to stop them at all cost, even when mowing down Marines (which there were about 5 of in the movie). They chickened out and didn't show a single gruesome moment. I don't know what else to say other than it was a complete disappointment and failure.

It gets the fabulous F mostly because it was so boring, I could hardly stay awake. You've got to be really bad to pull that off. I even stayed awake through Nancy Drew at 1AM, so that's saying something.

Goodbye 2007, I will remember you as an incredible waste of time peppered with a few meaningful experiences.

By the way, movie reviews for 2008 will be living on my blog at visceralcognition.com, all you have to do is hit the blog and search for "movie reviews", or just hit the movie review tag in the left column. I may attempt to import the archives here into there, but I just don't see that happening. Thanks for reading!